Default

I’m supposed to eat within the first hour of getting up, but I don’t want anything. I had too much chocolate last night.

It’s not going well right now. I couldn’t relax last night, so I came downstairs and could not resist the Hersheys in the fridge. I knew I shouldn’t have bought them the moment I tossed them in my shopping bag. I wanted something for a cute display tree bowl I found that I absolutely didn’t need. I filled the bowl and didn’t touch it until after dinner. Even then I did okay. It was after bed that I blew it.

Speaking of blowing it, why am I blowing it so hard? Yes, I’m super emotional because of my monthly, but this didn’t really happen last month. I mean, I didn’t completely go off the rails.

Maybe it’s not my monthly. Maybe it’s not even my typical depressive symptoms, which are pretty well treated, in any case. Maybe these feelings are legitimate sadness. Sadness I’ve been pushing away repeatedly that now I have to deal with. I don’t know, I’m just guessing.

You know how, if you ignore your problems for years, they don’t go away? They compound like interest on debt. Then one day, all of a sudden, it seems, you’re in default.

I’m afraid it’s time to pay the bill.