February (In a Nutshell)

Hello. I realize it’s been quite a while since my last post. But here I am, back again with fun and exciting updates about my post-op lifestyle.

Things are going much better for me now. I’m on Stage 5 of Foods, which is the lifelong stage, except breads and raw vegetables haven’t been reintroduced, yet. But basically everything else, I can eat again, as long as I eat mindfully (slow chewing, small bites, etc.).

I’ve lost 22 pounds so far. It’s been a little over a month. The team is happy with that, and so am I. I can see the change most obviously in my face.

I go to the gym almost daily to walk on the treadmill and I have resumed my strength training at a low weight to start. I have not had to return to the emergency room for any reason.

I start work full time next week in a seventh grade English language arts classroom. It will be my first foray into regular education. I’ll let you know how that goes.

So that was February in a nutshell, my friends. On to March!

Bariatric Hodgepodge

I’m doing a lot better now than I was the last time I posted. I’m able to drink protein shakes and have the little snacks of yogurt, pudding, and ricotta cheese. I’m not super nauseous anymore, or dizzy. I’ve even started going to the gym again. I’ve lost 11 pounds.

I’m not feeling so much like I shouldn’t have gone through with it, now. I’m unable to lose weight and maintain on my own; I’ve demonstrated that several times over since Aislyn was born. I need help. This is probably the help I need.

I’ve joined a Facebook group of bariatric pre and post op patients through the hospital where I had my surgery. It’s so amazing to see people’s before and after photos. Inspiring. If they can do it, I’m sure I can, too.

Baritastic is a really cool app I use to track my food and water intake and protein. For months I’ve only used it as a tracker, but it has lots more cool features I hadn’t really paid attention to until this morning.

It has recipes for every stage of recovery, including several good-sounding protein shakes, a recipe builder, a picture timeline where you can post pictures of yourself at different stages of the journey: 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, and so on.

There is a place where you can list your long term goal, a notes section, which I find useful to track which meds I’ve taken on a given day. There is even a feature that tracks your regularity.

If you’re considering bariatric surgery, I can’t say enough about the Baritastic app. It’s free, too, although they do have an online store where you can purchase shakes and vitamins.

So this post turned out to be about a lot of things. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t post for a whole week.

Buyer’s Remorse

I’m four days into this new journey. It’s felt like four months. You’re supposed to be able to drink three protein shakes a day. I can’t get down even one whole protein water, yet.

Most people start Week 2, you know, the following week? I will probably have to completely redo Week 1 first, because it’s been such a disaster.

The first day I got home, I burped back up everything I tried to eat or drink. Then yesterday I wound up in the ER, vomiting. I’m home today, doing better, I guess…

I’m not at all hungry. Is it weird that I miss food so badly?

I miss the ability to eat food if I want to. I miss the choice. If I tried to eat solid food right now, something really bad could happen to me. This thing called dumping syndrome, which can make you feel like you want to die, could happen to me. Or worse. My esophagus and stomach are a fraction of the size they used to be. So not following the plan very carefully can be dangerous.

I wanted to be thin. I wanted it this badly. This is what I signed up for. I couldn’t have done it myself. I couldn’t have used medication. I had to choose the most grueling, life-altering road.

I tried many times and lost a lot of weight several times, only to regain it all plus. They wouldn’t even prescribe the foolish medication for me because of the high demand for it?! So yes, I suppose I did have to.

It’s too early to tell, but at the end of the day, I hope it will have been worth it.

Post-Op

I’m home, recovering. I left the hospital yesterday at noon. Right now I’m waiting for the Tylenol and Gas-X to take effect. Pain is a 5. If it doesn’t get better in a few minutes I might have to take the prescription. Yes, I’m a wimp.

I don’t think I lost any actual weight in the end. The surgeon said it was a little difficult, but not too bad. He did say my colon was full and I should take Miralax. I’ve been taking it, but so far, nothing. I can see a cleanout in my future.

I’m afraid of severe constipation like I had in 2021. But now it’s even more serious because I’ve just had a major surgery. I’m going to try not to get too worked up about it yet, because it won’t do me any good. At least I’m not working right now if I need to see my doctor or go to the ER.

I’m not exactly having buyer’s remorse, yet, though they say it happens and it’s normal, but I can’t believe I’ve really done this. I hope it will have been worth it. I hope I can get down to the weight I want. As long as I’m hoping for things, I hope I can also keep the weight off for the rest of my life. As long as I don’t find ways to cheat the system, I should be alright.

The pain seems to have subsided a little since I started writing this post. I should probably get up and walk around a bit.

Turning Point

Tomorrow is the surgery. After tomorrow, there’s no looking back. My life will be different forever.

After tomorrow, I’ll have restrictions on what and how much I can eat. I believe these restrictions are necessary for me.

I’ve tried WW. Many times. I’ve tried Atkins. I’ve tried Noom. I’ve worked with nutritionists. I’ve even had a naturopath. The results are always the same. I regain the weight, plus extra.

I’m done with yo-yoing. I want to get down and stay down. This is my best chance of succeeding.

For a while, I won’t be hungry, and that will give me a head start on losing weight and cementing healthy habits. Eventually, I will start to feel hungry again, but by then, hopefully, I’ll have adapted to a different lifestyle and be able to manage uncertainty better.

Staying thin was not hard in my teens and twenties, and obesity does not run on either side of my family. I wonder what changed for me. All I can think of was my mother dying. I guess I used to be more active, too.

Maybe it’s not important, so long as I work it out now.

That’s my story for today. Tune in tomorrow for pre and post procedure coverage.

Half Empty

Yesterday I went to the gym, followed my meal plan exactly, didn’t get up last night to snack. Then I got on the scale this morning. No change. So far, I’m not impressed.

This whole thing is so frustrating. I worked so hard to stay at my entry weight, only to gain from the holidays. Now I can’t take it back off in time. I got COVID, which didn’t help at all, and I think that was when I started getting derailed.

I can’t believe I’m this stressed out over 4 1/2 pounds.

What’s going to happen is, my surgery will be at the end of the day, and I will have to have drunk 64 ounces of water and carb loaded, which will impact my weight even more. They will almost certainly cancel, and they will do it after I have already arrived, have prepared physically and mentally for this, maybe even gotten changed out of my regular clothes.

Sorry about my negativity. Sometimes I use it as a buffer. In other words, if I expect the worst in the first place, I can’t be disappointed. You’d be surprised at how effective this isn’t. Nothing will protect me from disappointment if they cancel on me. I just don’t know how else to cope, right now. Sure, I can say everything will be fine, and it will all work out, but that feels naive to me.

Let them cancel. I’ll reschedule.

She said I’d have to keep saying it for it to take hold.

Let them.

I’m going back to bed a while.

Up, Up, and Awake

I made the mistake of getting on the scale already and I am sadly back up to where I was before. My body won’t give me a break. I’m really beginning to hate it. It certainly hates me.

I have carefully planned out my foods for today and tomorrow. The 15th and 16th are liquid only. I plan to follow my menu exactly for the next two days in the desperate hopes of shedding some water weight.

If I can’t do this now, I’m afraid I will only continue to gain weight. I am worried about my health.

I knew I would gain weight when I left Lowe’s. It was a very physical job, I did a lot of brisk walking. I told them I would probably gain weight, that I was concerned about it. Why couldn’t that have been taken into consideration?

It’s not like I’ve gained 20 pounds since I left there, either. Only about 6 or 7 pounds at the most. That includes the holidays.

If I try to explain it to them now it’s just going to sound like I’m making excuses for myself.

I guess it is what it is. We’ll just have to wait and see. And we won’t know until the day of. Until I’m there and getting weighed in. Hopefully it’s at the beginning of the day when I’m not full of fluid.

Also, you didn’t want to hear this, but I’m very backed up, which probably doesn’t help me at all. Even mountains of chia seeds on my oatmeal aren’t doing the trick, anymore. Seriously, my body does not want me to be successful. Everything seems to be working against me.

I am probably eating the wrong things. Cheese, more cheese, whey protein shakes…that’s all I can think of that are wrong for me. I think I’m lactose intolerant. Of course, I haven’t been drinking the shakes in the last couple of days…

They really push the whey shakes, but I know they are wrong for me. They made me so sick in 2021. Basically shut down my digestive system for three months. Even after I told them that, they were like, try the whey isolate shakes. Well, sorry, but, I don’t think there’s any difference. I think they both mess with me.

The good news is they now have plant-based protein shakes that actually taste okay. I think I’m probably going to go with those post op. If there is a post op.

I think I need to start thinking about what I’m going to do if they cancel the surgery. If I don’t have a plan for that contingency, I will almost certainly become depressed and gain more weight.

One thing I could try is two plant-based shakes per day. I lost a lot of weight before, drinking two shakes a day until I got sick, but I think it was because of the whey or the lactose or the dairy or all three.

Of course, I was also biking six days a week for 45 minutes a day. I lost 70 pounds in about seven months. I got to the point where I was really sad if I had to miss a workout.

I have been to a GI doctor, if you’re curious. Normal colonoscopy. No IBS diagnosis. She just said I needed more fiber in my diet. Well, now I have more fiber in my diet than anyone should reasonably have, and it’s doing me zero good.

Enough about that.

It seems it’s about 3 AM. This is about the time I normally get up on a weekday. So I guess I may as well get something very specific to eat and feed the cats.

Water Weight

Not long after the weight gain, I got my monthly bill, which leads me to believe the gain was just water retention. This morning, I am magically back down to my previous, slightly-over-entry weight.

If only I had foreseen this situation, I could have avoided that embarrassing portal message to my surgeon. That’s okay, I’m just happy to be down the four pounds. I am crampy and achey, and I am still happy! This means they will probably proceed with the surgery as planned.

I have a walk-in closet full of clothes that will finally all fit again before too long. I can’t wait to be able to tie my shoes and put on socks without running out of breath. Wrap a normal-sized bath towel all the way around myself again. Get up the stairs without having to worry if there’s anyone waiting behind me.

This is a turning point in my life. I feel it.

This is My Life

Up, up, up. As it turns out, yesterday’s weight was not a one-day fluke. Today I’m even heavier, and my pants are tight.

Maybe I’m premenstrual. It seemed to come from nowhere. One day I was so much, and the next day I had magically gained four pounds. That’s the only thing I can think to explain it.

Anyway, I’m going to shop thoroughly this week so that we have plenty of dinners to fall back on even if we forget to take anything out so we don’t have to order or go out. This is the most important week of the entire ever for me not to mess up.

Shopping List

For Everyone:

• 90% lean ground beef

• Filet mignon?

• Chicken thighs (boneless, skinless)

• Pork chops

• Salad mix (2)

• Grape tomatoes (2)

• Cucumber (2)

• Ravioli

• Low-calorie bread

• Lettuce

• Tomato

• Bacon

• Eggs

• Apples

• Strawberries

• Cashews

Everyone Except Me:

• Granola bars

• Doritos

• Jello

• Popsicles

Me:

• Ricotta cheese

• Cool Whip (2)

• High protein oatmeal

• Creamer (2)

• Cheese sticks

• Protein shakes: plant based

• Pudding

The protein shakes and pudding would actually be in preparation for next week. But I’m wondering if I shouldn’t start with the protein shakes early. Food’s not getting me very far right now. Maybe I should just make it easier on myself. I will have to think about this.

So this is my life right now. Deciding what and when to eat. Actually, this has been my life since I was nine years old. It’s just that now there’s more at stake—no pun intended.

It Doesn’t Have to End Like This

I heard back from the surgeon. He was actually very encouraging. He said I still had a week to get as close to my starting weight as I could. I said I would do my absolute best.

• That would include drinking about half the coffee I’ve been drinking, if that. Like, two cups a day, as I had planned, not 4 or 5.

• Tracking all day, even after afternoon snack.

• No late snacking, because, yeah, I’ve been up to my old tricks in the kitchen at night.

• Tracking water.

• Activity 5-6 times a week.

I was going to skip the gym today, but now I’m thinking I could go around 1:00, since that’s when it’s really dead in there. There’s plenty I can do around the house until then.

I was going to drink my third coffee of the day just now, but then I got the email, and put the coffee on my little side tray behind my water. Drank the water instead.

I can make better choices for a week, can’t I? Of course I can.

I don’t know where this extra four pounds came from, but maybe it’s temporary.

I really want to do this now, not six months from now.

I’ll do the work. You guys please keep your fingers and toes crossed for me. Thanks. ❤️

Big Fat Failure

I don’t think they’ll do the surgery. I’m up 4 pounds from yesterday for a total of 7.8 pounds over my entry weight. I sent them a message through the patient portal. I’m sure they’ll cancel it. It’s over.

I just feel like such a loser right now, though I haven’t lost anything. I don’t even know why this is happening; it seems a little unfair. I’m not grossly overeating; I shouldn’t be gaining this kind of weight.

I was doing so well until the stupid holidays. And this latest gain, I just don’t get it. How did I gain 4 pounds overnight? So lame.

I hate my stupid body. I hate it. Never once has it ever worked for me. All it does is betray me.

And I can’t get medication because my doctor’s office doesn’t prescribe it, so this was my only option. And I’ve ruined it. Nice job.

I hate every second of being this way. I want to change it. I’ve tried and tried. I’ve failed and failed. I just keep getting bigger.

I don’t know what to do.

The Chubby Hamster

Up, down, up, down, up. So frustrating. I’m working hard, and getting nowhere. I’m a hamster on a wheel.

I can’t believe it, but my surgery is next week. Now I’m beginning to feel nervous. Am I ready? Have I followed the guidelines closely enough? I’m not sure.

I wanted to write a post about this habit tracker app I found that is really cool, but I haven’t been really awesome about using it. I know if I used it more I would probably be doing better.

My problem is that I have great intentions but I am overly ambitious, and I set myself up to complete more tasks than I reasonably can. Inevitably, I fall short every time and beat myself up over it. How am I supposed to track habits if I don’t even consistently track my foods? It gets to be too much.

But you probably could’ve told me that, huh. Sometimes what is obvious to the casual observer is not always obvious to me.

I think I’m tracking four habits right now. Maybe if I focused on just one? Like going to the gym? That’s an easy one, because there are two goals: strength and cardio, and I only have to go to the gym twice a week to meet either of them.

And maybe it’s okay if I don’t track 100% of my foods. As long as I get in the general vicinity. Some people track every bite they eat, and that’s great for them, I can’t even imagine being that disciplined. I wish I was, but I’m just not.

I do know that the more accurately I track, the more successful I am. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it can be estimates, the numbers can go over budget, but if I have something down for the day, it’s always better than if I don’t have anything or if I randomly stop counting after lunch.

You could look at my Baritastic app and say, “Wow, she hasn’t made any progress. She’s actually gained weight since she started (I’m not sure if that’s true).”

I choose to look at it as: I’ve done an okay job of tracking most of the time and managed not to gain a lot more weight since I started.

As of now, I’m only about 4 pounds over my entry weight into the bypass program. That’s not terrible. Half of it could be normal fluctuation. If I can get back down to that entry weight or close to it, I’m hoping that will be good enough for the surgeon. But I only have 9 days, so, I guess I’d better start praying.

Back in the Game (Finally!)

I’m definitely back on target now. How do I know I’m there?

• I’ve had several consecutive on-program days (where I’ve logged all of my food and stayed vaguely on a budget)

• Even when there have been surprise doughnuts and Chinese food, I haven’t let the rest of the day go to hell and I’ve tracked them and moved on

• I’m monitoring my weight more closely

• I’ve been more conscientious about habit tracking

Believe it or not, I’m actually down a couple of pounds already. Probably water weight, but whatever. I’ll take it. To me, a pound is a pound.

Usually, I’m trying to lose weight. It’s been a struggle these last several months even just to maintain it. I wonder why. I walked around a lot at Lowe’s, is all I can think. Now I’m sitting more.

The gym doesn’t open until 6 on Saturday. I could’ve slept in.

Can’t Sleep

I’ve been awake since 11 PM. I got up for a while, went back to bed for a while, now I’m back up. It’s my weekend, though.

I have a ton of tasks to accomplish over the next two days. I know you love my lists, so here comes another one:

• Build a bookcase

• Transfer books

• Figure out what to do with the old bookcase

• Hang mirror

• Prepare donations for good will

• Move everyone else’s coats out of Aislyn’s closet

• Bring donations to good will

• Buy Woolite, child-size clothes hangers

• Wash hand washables

• Swap lamps in Aislyn’s room

• Groceries

It doesn’t look like a lot, but I think it’s going to be a huge undertaking. At least it will keep me busy.

I’m going to try to go back to sleep, now.

The Best Laid Plans

I was all set to get dressed for the gym today when Aislyn came out of her room, crying about a nightmare. So much for the gym.

I suppose I could go right after she gets on the bus. It’s going to be overwhelmed with retirees by that time of day, though. Maybe I’ll just have to suck it up and wait my turn for the machines.

You might have noticed I have a hard time waiting. Naaaaah, you say. I think it is a symptom of the ADD.

It’s taking me forever to write this post because a certain someone is super demanding of my attention right now. I guess I should go and do the parenting thing.

2025

A new year. Surgery in 16 days. And now I am getting nervous.

I’ve gained weight. I’m afraid they’ll delay the procedure. If that happens, I’m in trouble. My new job starts February 10.

Can I lose the weight in 16 days? I don’t know. It took me a month to lose, like, 6.8 pounds before, right? I have half that long. But I don’t know my current weight. I need to get on the scale. Of course, at this point, I’m several days backed up. So it might not give me an accurate read.

It’s funny. My nutritionist wasn’t overly concerned about a few extra pounds. But the surgeon was. He said extra fat makes the surgery more difficult.

Okay, well, stressing out about it is not going to help me in any way. I’m just going to do the best I can moving forward.

• Try to stay on the low end of daily calorie consumption without sacrificing protein.

• Try to sleep better. Nine hours on CPAP last night.

• Don’t buy junk food or let it in the house. Easier said than done.

• I have a lockbox. I need to be more assertive about using it.

• Chia seeds.

• Gym, gym, gym.

• Stay out of the all-or-nothing mindset. Every choice is a new opportunity.

• There is no such thing as “I’ll start tomorrow.” My new motto is “What are you waiting for?”

What if I do all of this and still fail? I will assume it was too little, too late and learn from it. Maybe if they delay the surgery, I’ll have it scheduled out to the summer, so it won’t cause a problem with my job and I’ll have adequate time to heal.

I feel better now. It’s good to have a back up plan.

Desmond is sleeping over at a friend’s house, so today is a good day to sneak away to the gym.

Another Bad Day

I’ll be the first to admit it: I’m a hot mess right now. I’ve tried to set up these new habits, but the old habits are hanging on stronger. Despite the huge consequences looming over me.

But I need to fix this. If I gain too much weight, they will delay my surgery. That can’t happen. I’m supposed to go back to teaching February 10.

We’re going out today, but I already know I’m getting a salad: under 500 calories for the whole salad. So there’s really no excuse.

I have shifted back into all or nothing thinking somehow, and keep sabotaging myself day after day. I’m not sure why this is. Every choice is an opportunity.

I just want to be a regular size again. I hate the way I look.

I wish there wasn’t all this junk in the house. Everyone knows how I struggle with junk food, but somehow it still makes its way here. Christmas, Valentine’s, Easter, Halloween. The kids eat enough candy and snacks. Any excuse to give them sugar. You would think I never let them have anything. It’s simply not true.

I’m at an impasse, here. I don’t know how to finish up in only a few minutes so I can get to the gym.

I think I just have to get up and go.

Baby Steps

Yesterday I had a really on-plan day…until I didn’t. After a healthy dinner, I ate a bowl of popcorn. And peanut butter mousse. And fiber brownies.

No wonder I only lost 0.3. I’m lucky I lost anything. I guess that would be one way of looking at it.

And I didn’t finish yesterday’s tracking until this morning. But I did it. Baby steps.

I’m up at 3:15, but I feel like I could fall back asleep any time. It might be a meds issue right now, I’m not sure.

I woke up with no mask, which isn’t unusual. It’s uncomfortable, and I often remove it for part of the night. I need to call them. They might have a better style for me.

Well, Rome wasn’t built in a day, right? Getting back to where I was might take some time.

I need to lay back down.

Holiday Weight

I am five pounds over my entry weight. This may not sound like a big deal to the layperson, but to me, it is devastating. I’m in trouble.

I need to lose at least the 5 pounds by January 16. Is it doable? Maybe.

• Track, and track ahead

• Increase gym attendance

• Avoid bringing trigger foods into the house

• Don’t order food

• Slow down eating

• Follow guidelines

• Use the habit tracker

Writing these goals is well and good, but I need to actually do them this time. It’s about follow through more than anything. I can write myself beautiful, measurable goals, but I need to refer to them the moment I’m tempted to skip a meal or get DoorDash.

So, time to go. I’ve got work to do.

Off the Rails

I’m completely off plan right now. Oh yeah, I’m in trouble.

If I can’t get this under control, and fast, it could make the surgery more difficult.

It’s really hard for me when unplanned temptations come into the house. Sweets are the worst. Anything I have to heat up is less of a problem.

I was doing so well. It helped that I was working full time. The more time away from my kitchen, the better.

I need to get it together. Next is my anniversary. Because both sets of parents are unwell now, we usually take the kids to Cracker Barrel. I can get a salad there, but the Coca Cola fudge cake is going to be hard to pass up.

I could take two bites and pass it down. The taste of dessert supposedly depreciates after the first two bites, anyway. Or we could not order it at all.

The salad is very good.

Then there is New Year’s. But I’ve got that covered. I bought bacon wrapped scallops, which aren’t that high in calories compared to other apps. And I drink hardly any alcohol these days. I rarely have it in me to stay up past 10:00 on New Year’s Eve.

I might be old.

Visualize, I tell myself. Think of how beautiful you’re going to be once the weight really starts coming off.

But I know this is wrong in so many ways. I sound just like my mother and my aunt and uncle when I have those thoughts. I realize it, and I know it’s unkind. Shouldn’t I feel beautiful regardless of my stupid weight?

But I don’t. My positive self-regard is extremely conditional. I don’t deserve to feel good about myself unless and until… it’s sick and sad.

At least I’m aware, now. I wasn’t always.

At least the holidays are almost over. I could not have chosen a worse time for this.

I just need to get back on track.