Buyer’s Remorse

I’m four days into this new journey. It’s felt like four months. You’re supposed to be able to drink three protein shakes a day. I can’t get down even one whole protein water, yet.

Most people start Week 2, you know, the following week? I will probably have to completely redo Week 1 first, because it’s been such a disaster.

The first day I got home, I burped back up everything I tried to eat or drink. Then yesterday I wound up in the ER, vomiting. I’m home today, doing better, I guess…

I’m not at all hungry. Is it weird that I miss food so badly?

I miss the ability to eat food if I want to. I miss the choice. If I tried to eat solid food right now, something really bad could happen to me. This thing called dumping syndrome, which can make you feel like you want to die, could happen to me. Or worse. My esophagus and stomach are a fraction of the size they used to be. So not following the plan very carefully can be dangerous.

I wanted to be thin. I wanted it this badly. This is what I signed up for. I couldn’t have done it myself. I couldn’t have used medication. I had to choose the most grueling, life-altering road.

I tried many times and lost a lot of weight several times, only to regain it all plus. They wouldn’t even prescribe the foolish medication for me because of the high demand for it?! So yes, I suppose I did have to.

It’s too early to tell, but at the end of the day, I hope it will have been worth it.