Wait and Worry

I have COVID. Which explains yesterday. And explains why I’m still dizzy.

I should’ve gotten a booster.

I had to have caught it from someone at school. I didn’t know it was going around. But one of my students was out a few days.

I thought it was just a head cold until yesterday. When I slept all day. Then it dawned on me.

I guess it’s good that it waited to strike until right after I got done there. Going away present. No.

So I guess I’m not doing much for the next couple of days, as I had originally planned. I do feel better today than I did yesterday. It was the same in 2022. One really lethargic day and then just typical cold and flu symptoms.

2022. It seems so long ago. It feels like forever since I left manufacturing. It was only a year ago. It feels like five.

There’s nothing I can do. Nothing but wait and worry. And grow old.

Sorry, COVID puts me in a mood.

Recovery

I’m feeling slightly better, though my whole body is sore from all of the coughing. I wonder if it would be worth it to take a COVID test. Because yesterday I felt kind of like I did when I had COVID in 2022.

There was one day when I had COVID, where I couldn’t do anything but sleep, and that’s how I was yesterday. I was up a little bit, to help with the tree, but not without feeling dizzy.

I haven’t been boostered at all since the pandemic. Come to think of it, that’s pretty dangerous. My health is already compromised with obesity and high blood pressure. I am at high-risk for severity. I ought to get a test today.

The good news is, it feels like the worst of it is behind me. My throat no longer hurts. My head isn’t so congested. Just the body aches, runny nose, and coughing, now.

It stinks not being able to drink anything, though, right now, since I just ate.

The reason they want you to wait to drink until 30 minutes after eating is because when you eat, you’re getting all of these nutrients, but if you drink during or directly after your meal, you run the risk of flushing out all of the nutrients. To me, it sounds strange, but they’re the medical professionals, not me. So I defer to them.

Shane is hiding behind the tree, eating the pine needles. We know he does this, we know the needles are poisonous and make him vomit. Every year I worry about this. But getting the real tree is a tradition, and it’s my fault, since I’m the one who wanted a real tree in the first place.

I have to keep all of my plants and flowers in the bathroom with the door closed because he eats everything. He is easily the most laid back, gentle cat I’ve ever had, but probably not the brightest.

Not really, Shane, Mama loves you. I’d still vote for Shane for president rather than what we’re stuck with for the next four years.

Oh, you think I’m kidding? Sadly, I am not.

But I’m not going to get into it. That’s not what this blog is for.

Despite it being Thanksgiving week, and despite my not following my plan to the letter, and despite finishing off the apple pie yesterday, somehow, I have still managed to lose 0.4 from last week. So it’s not that I’m not losing weight, it’s just coming off very slowly. If I could get my calories down, I think I’d see some real results.

But I’m happy with the 0.4 loss for this week. This is the second hardest week of the year for me, and not only did I not gain, or even just maintain, I actually went down a teeny bit.

The hardest week of the year is, you guessed it, the last week of the year: Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, anniversary, New Year’s Eve. It’s what Pam Beasley from The Office would call the perfect storm.

Now that I’m not working, I have to be extra careful about my eating habits. It’s easier for me on unstructured days to become careless about tracking, snacking, too much coffee. I’m going to have to find a way to build structure into my days.

I was thinking that my “perfect storm” week would be my next project, but I’m getting ahead of myself. What I really need to focus on is the whole month of December, and how I’m going to keep myself out of the kitchen.

One word comes to mind: organize. Now I potentially have the time to do it. Of course, I can spend more time at the gym, too. So, also, exercise.

Speaking of the gym, I should get going. Yes, I think I’m well enough for working out today. Don’t worry, I will wear a mask, just in case.

Blah

I haven’t gone to the gym today. I probably won’t. I feel terrible.

Even if I go tomorrow, I’ll still get five days in.

It seems to make very little if any difference. I’m not losing weight. Just up, down, up, down, up.

Maybe if I wasn’t working out, I’d be gaining more?

I don’t know.

I’m in a terrible mood. I hate being sick. I want to do things, but I have no energy and my throat is on fire.

Tired again. Nap time.

Pushback

I’ve come down with a miserable cold. I feel like hell. And now I’m up at 3:00 in the morning, angry. I won’t get into it.

This has nothing to do with why I’m upset, but I can tell my father has been talking to my stepmother about the surgery, because when I first told him, he was supportive, and now he’s asking lots of questions, such as, “Why wouldn’t you just take Ozempic?” And “Can’t you gain the weight back if the old behaviors come back?”

What I need right now is for my social network, family and friends, to believe I will be successful with this. I can’t tell you how many people have brought up the weight regain thing. It is exactly what I don’t need to hear. But you can count on my stepmother to always go straight to the worst-case scenario when it comes to me.

Look how many people have done well with this program. Nobody cares about that, though. Everyone is certain I’m going to fail. How is that supposed to make me feel about myself? About them?

I tried to get medication. My doctor’s office said they don’t prescribe it because of the high demand. Bizarre as that is.

I’m in this whole behavior modification program, aren’t I? And for the most part, I’m actually doing well with the behavior change. I have slip-ups here and there, like anyone, but look at all the positive changes I’ve made. No soda. Very low sugar. I’ve curbed the nighttime eating. No binges for I don’t even know how long.

Anyway, she’s never been overweight. What does she know about this? Not nearly as much as she thinks she does.

I’m just over all of this negativity.

Happy Thanksgiving

I was up late last night and went off the rails. I had a snack late, several hours after I ate some very sugary cinnamon breadsticks.

I started by saying I would only have one. Unfortunately, I was eating in the living room, so I didn’t get up and throw away the rest of the breadsticks after I’d had the one. And because they were still there, I eventually caved in and ate the other two.

Yesterday, I thought I had kicked sugar’s butt. I guess not.

Today will be a hard day, anyway—all those pies.

If I can make a plan, I might be alright.

Leah’s Thanksgiving Plan

• Breakfast: 8g protein

• Morning snack: 20+g protein

• Lots of water throughout the day

• Thanksgiving dinner

  • Generous portions of:

    • white meat

    • non-starchy vegetable

  • Smaller portions of:

    • squash 1/2 c

    • potato 1/2 c

    • stuffing 1/4 c

    • unsweetened applesauce (still has a lot of sugar)

    • avoid cornbread or 1/2 square

  • One individual-sized pumpkin pie with sugar-free Cool Whip

Of course, I have to log all of this into Baritastic—the app I use to track calories, proteins, sugars, fats, carbs, water consumption, and other helpful information—before I can make my plan fully operational. I have to make sure my measurements translate to a reasonable amount of calories. If they don’t, I’ll have to tweak them.

I know this all looks nerdy and clinical, and it sounds like I’m taking all of the fun out of the holiday, but I’ve been doing some version of this for years. I’m used to it. Many people, even Weight Watchers members, try to get through the day and enjoy it. Some don’t track their food at all on Thanksgiving, and that’s fine for them. I have no criticism of this method. It just doesn’t work for me. If I say screw it and overeat on this day, I’m likely to start a pattern of multiple days of overeating, especially if there are leftovers in the fridge for several days afterward.

I like to plan. I don’t always plan everything, and sometimes, I wish I did. Although it may seem predictable and boring, planning helps me stay on track and focused. I need structure to function optimally, and if there is no structure, I have to create it. As an individual with ADHD, I get lost without a plan.

This is not to say I’m never spontaneous or unpredictable. Anyone who really knows me can tell you I’m a crazy little combination of everything. It’s what makes me, well…me.

So I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving, surrounded by everything (or almost everything) you are thankful for. I wish you warm feelings and safe travel.

A Little Left of Center

I was up at 2:00, after a nightmare. Recurring. Intruders.

Back to sleep. Woke up at 4:30, hurried to get ready for the gym, forgot my meds. Got in the building, changed. Forgot my phone in the car. Had to slide my way back out on the sheet of ice that was the parking lot to get it. Can’t get over 80 rpm right now, sweating bullets.

Yeah, I guess you could say I started today off on the wrong foot.

Now I’m home, showered, in my sweats, eating my breakfast, because I forgot that, too.

Here’s something. I stopped at Dunk’s on the way home for doughnuts for the fam. I got myself my usual decaf medium iced with cream, sugar, and butter pecan flavor. It does not taste good, anymore. Way too sweet.

I rarely drank the whole thing, anyway. Usually I’d have a few sips and throw the rest out. The difference is I used to want more. This morning I was all set with the two tiny sips I had. I prefer my own coffee.

I still have to take my meds.

I still have to finish progress reports.

It’s a good day to be home.

Last Day Tuesday

I forgot my protein shake today. So I made myself a big taco from the taco bar they set up for the staff. It had healthy foods in it, though.

Then I had a tiny, bite-size pumpkin pie that my colleague made. It was worth it.

As long as I don’t overeat or snack at this point, I’ll probably finish under budget for today.

It’s a big deal because it hardly ever happens.

I can’t finish this post. Can’t concentrate enough.

I have to be done for now.

And Now, Dinner

I drank just my two cups of coffee yesterday and, as predicted, it was fine. I didn’t find myself yearning for more.

But, as I often do, I ate too much at the dinner table.

I was hungry just before dinner, so I ate a cheese stick. And another and another. They’re only 45 calories each, but still…

Then I had some bread and butter.

Then dinner, which was ravioli and meat sauce. I really need to measure out my portions at dinner. A serving size is one cup. I probably had two. 500 calories for two servings, putting me about 300-400 calories over my limit.

After all of that bread and cheese, I would’ve been fine with 1 cup of ravioli.

I ate until I was starting to feel slightly uncomfortable, which is a huge no-no in bariatric surgery preparation. I didn’t quite get to that point, but I was really pushing it.

I apologize for this post. I realize it is dry. I am daily trying to tweak my program to be more successful. It’s easiest for me to do in writing.

So today I will drink my coffee ration and measure my dinner portion, and we’ll see how it affects my calories.

I’m supposed to be aiming for the 1400s to lose weight, and theoretically, it shouldn’t be that difficult. However, foods high in protein are also sometimes slightly higher in calories, at least in my estimation. I almost never can manage to stay within that range. Even though everything I’m eating now is healthy.

My nutritionist is less concerned with calories than with protein, sugar, and fat. But I know that to effectively lose weight, you have to burn more calories than you consume. I’m not really doing that right now, which is why my weight goes up and down slightly but not consistently down.

I can tell all of this because I’ve been tracking it.

That’s the beauty of tracking. It gives you insight into what you can do better. It shows your patterns.

I have to cut myself off, here. It’s gym time. It’s my last day at work. Two meetings today, have to get there early to talk to a teacher. Maybe I could email. Anyway, busy day. Talk soon.

Next on the Agenda

I need to figure out a way to cut back my calories.

I think this is an easy one: coffee.

I drink several cups of decaf coffee most days, and it adds a whopping 480 calories to my daily total. If I can limit my consumption to two cups a day, that alone should help me lose more weight.

It’s the creamer in the coffee that is the problem. It’s sugar free, but not fat free. They make fat free creamer, but I’d rather not sacrifice taste. Believe me, I’ve made plenty of other sacrifices with food. My coffee is where I draw the line.

I also need to cool it on the peanut butter mousse. I have no Cool Whip left for my yogurt, and it’s only Monday.

It’s much easier to follow the guidelines I set up for myself on weekdays. There is less time to hang around the house and wander into the kitchen. I’m okay with two cups of coffee on a weekday; there’s just not as much time to sit and relax with my coffee during the week.

Anyway, I don’t savor my coffee. Most of the time, it’s gone in like 5-10. If I could even just remember that before I go to make that next cup, I’d be a lot better off.

So maybe I say this:

• 2 cups Monday through Friday

• Optional third cup Saturday/ Sunday

I could even wean off the optional cup if I wanted to. It’s 120 calories a cup. They add up.

It’s gym time. Happy Monday. I say that without enthusiasm, but it’s a short week for my readers in the US, enjoy it!

You Mean I Have to Work Out Everyday?

It’s 4:30 AM on a Sunday. The gym doesn’t open until 6:00. What to do?

I have progress reports to work on, Mind Prep to finish reading.

Or I can sit here, sip my coffee, and write another post.

I guess I’m supposed to be exercising daily for 30 minutes. Two days of strength. The surgeon seemed incredulous that I didn’t know.

Do most people work out everyday? I guess it doesn’t matter. Most people aren’t bariatric patients. I’m going to have to do a lot of things most people don’t do for the rest of my life. I’m okay with that.

The way I see it, I would rather live with restrictions and stay thin or fit and healthy than be unrestricted and live like I have been for so long: out of control.

If I get a reasonable amount of sleep the night before, and take my meds as soon as I get up, then I should be able to get to the gym almost everyday.

On Derek’s and Desmond’s game days, maybe I can use the elliptibike or take walks with Aislyn. Maybe walks when the days get longer again.

She is like my mother in that she will run you off the sidewalk, but other than that, a good walking companion.

In 2021 I had a stationary bike that I loved and I rode it six days a week. I lost 70 pounds in seven months.

I was also drinking two whey protein shakes a day, though, which severely constipated me for three months. I went to the ER twice and they could do nothing with me. Enemas, magnesium citrate, senna, Dulcolax…nothing worked. It was scary.

It finally resolved with a 45-dose bottle of Miralax, taken over 8 hours.

I know you wanted to know this about me.

Unfortunately, I had to stop drinking the protein shakes, went back to work full time, gave up the bike, and regained all the weight.

The moral of this story is…beware of whey.

But seriously, since I’ve done it before, I know I can get into a daily or almost daily exercise routine, and I will get to the point where, if I miss a day, it will bum me out.

So I might as well go for it.

I did four days last week. Let’s shoot for five this week, and six next. I’ve got this. Go team!

Backward Reading

I was reading backward through my old posts, making some minor edits, and I can’t believe how much progress I’ve made in three weeks.

When I started this blog, I was still night snacking and overeating. I wasn’t following the guidelines that well. I was still drinking cans of soda everyday.

Since starting the blog, I’ve tracked my food 21 days in a row, which is huge for me. And I haven’t just tracked one or two things some days. I’ve tracked pretty much everything, everyday.

I don’t night snack, and I can’t remember the last time I ate until I was uncomfortably full.

My sugar intake is minimal. I get tons of protein and water. I’m hardly ever hungry because I eat on a schedule.

I’ve come a long way in a little time. I think it’s a good thing. Especially this close to the holidays.

I do still wish I had more energy, though.

Ad for Cool Whip

I’m down just a little from last week, not quite a pound, but I’m down. I think it’s the tracking.

I guess when you gain weight prior to surgery, it’s harder to do the surgery because there’s fat in the way. But, like I said, I don’t think I’m actually gaining weight, now, despite what the office scale says.

Anyway, I discovered a yummy snack last night: you mix some zero sugar Cool Whip and some Crazy Richard’s Peanut Butter Powder: voilà! Peanut butter mousse.

The only problem is how much is too much? I guess you would just measure it.

I mix Cool Whip with Greek yogurt, too. Just a couple of tablespoons. I can’t do yogurt by itself: the weird texture, sour aftertaste. I’ve tried many times to no avail, but with Cool Whip, I can dig it.

For the season, there’s an old WW recipe: Pumpkin Mousse, where you take a can of pumpkin, a box of sugar free butterscotch pudding, and a tub of sugar free Cool Whip and mix them all together. Very tasty. Only a few points, though I don’t know the point value on the new system.

There’s nothing you can’t do with a container of Cool Whip.

It’s a Date… I Guess

January 16. That’s right, next year.

This really bums me out because it’s probably going to interfere with my new job. Had it been December, it wouldn’t have been an issue.

They don’t make you pay for it up front like at a surgery center. So at least there’s that. You can pay it in installments.

I don’t want to wait until June to do this. I don’t want to be this heavy one minute longer than I have to. It’s at the point where just getting up off the couch is a struggle.

I am 8 on the waiting list for an earlier appointment, so I have no chance of getting in before January 16. This is so frustrating.

I guess my lucky streak had to end sooner than later, right? I mean, it is me.

There’s no such thing as luck, anyway. Only cause and effect. Happenstance.

I guess I’m just in a mood.

Actual Me

I was kind of half asleep, half awake until 10 last night, so I had planned to sleep in today, but, wouldn’t you know it, I woke up at exactly 3:00 AM, fed the cats, took my meds and now I’m wide awake. That would be due to the immediate release Adderall they have me on right now because of the ongoing national shortage. I’m used to the extended release, and forget that this stuff works its magic in no time.

I’ve been to the gym four times this week already. Do I want to make it five, since I’m up, anyway? If so, I need to get dressed right now.

Or perhaps I’m overachieving. I don’t think it’s going to dramatically change anything. It’s just a good habit-builder.

One thing I know for sure: I should sleep in on days Derek takes Desmond to the UNH games. They get home around 9 PM, which means I have to stay up with Aislyn, and it’s very difficult when I’m up at 3:00 in the morning. And I feel terrible because I’m so tired, I can’t really be present with her. I’m just struggling to stay awake. No caffeine, remember.

Maybe I won’t go today. I’m pushing myself pretty hard as it is. I could do some planning right now, so I’m not scrambling at 8:30. I can always go to the gym tomorrow if I want a 5th day this week.

I’ve also increased from 20, to 25, to 30 minutes a session, so I’ve got that going for me, too.

I might actually be getting to the point where I miss working out if I skip a day, as opposed to having to really push myself to go, because I’m right now sitting here, debating whether I’ve made the right choice.

I feel fortunate that I can still work out reasonably well, given my size. I’m finding it harder to move, in general. Full disclosure: bending down to put on socks is a nightmare. I avoid stairs. It’s much harder for me than it used to be to get up off the couch. Obviously I can’t run.

You wouldn’t think from looking at my pictures I’m that heavy. I tricks you, my friends. Those pictures were taken at such ridiculous angles, you would probably not even recognize actual me.

I will not show you a picture of actual me until I’ve gained a lot more ground and can share comparison photos. Maybe it’s stupid, but I’m too self-conscious.

You want to see a picture of me in my twenties, though?

Skin and bones! I was a toothpick. I weighed less than Derek’s German Shepherd, for crying out loud.

Just to give you an idea, right now, I am almost two of her. Her, plus 100.

Do I expect to ever be that tiny again? No, of course I don’t. Do I want to be? Not really. I mean, she’s cute, but where are her boobs?

Somewhere between her and where I am right now, that would be great. I’m not 22 anymore, I’ve had two kids, I don’t have to be a twig. Those days are over, and really, are super skinny people happier? I promise you, I wasn’t. While it’s true I didn’t have sleep apnea or high blood pressure, I engaged in other unhealthy behaviors in lieu of overeating.

So then, why this? You must be asking. Why bother losing weight if you don’t think it will make you happier?

I’m doing this for many reasons.

• Better quality of life (to breathe, move easier)

• Health (live longer, eliminate sleep apnea)

• For my kids (so they don’t repeat my mistakes)

• Increase self-confidence

• Convenience (move faster, more efficiently)

• More selection in clothes

• Look better in clothes

I understand that this will not satisfy the bottomless void in my life that I’ve been many decades trying to fill with food, material things, and other probable vices. I realize that is something separate from surgery that I need to work out with professional help.

I think deep down I am still just the little girl looking for her mother’s highly conditional approval. Ironically, I’ve used food to soothe that need and become the thing she most feared.

This post has taken a turn for the psychological, hasn’t it.

They will give me a surgery date tomorrow at my consultation with the surgeon. This process is finally moving along.

YES!

I’ve been cleared for my surgery! This means that pretty soon they’ll call to schedule a date. I also meet with the surgeon, and I see the nutritionist one last time prior to the procedure. But the ball is rolling. I’m on my way.

I’ve been to the gym everyday this week, including Sunday, which is why you haven’t heard from me so much. Even getting up an hour earlier doesn’t seem to give me the time I need in a day.

And I can only do so much while I’m biking. I can check my stats. I can log my food. But don’t ask me to blog, friends, I’d probably lose my balance and fall off the bike.

I haven’t drunk a soda in a long, long time. I’m getting over 100 grams of protein, 100 ounces of water a day.

Sleep is still kind of an issue, but I’m not snacking, anymore—not even watermelon, since I found out how much sugar is in it. Fluids only.

Also, I found out that several visits to the nutritionist are very common. As it turns out, I was a bit hard on her, I think. She took what I said to heart.

If you’re anything like me—you’re probably not, but if you are—you forget that what you say has an impact, too. And you don’t always get to say you’re sorry…but you almost always are.

In other news, I am soon to leave my current work situation for what I hope and suspect will be a better-fitting one. It was a hard decision to make mid-year, but I’m confident I’ve made the right choice. That is all I can really say about it.

Now I’m off to the gym for a four-day streak.

Lucky Bracelet

Yesterday at WW I celebrated a 5 lb. loss, if you can believe that. Some of it had to have been water, but still!

It is the first significant success I’ve had on scale in…God…months, at least.

I attribute the success to:

• Better, more accurate tracking

• Slower, longer chewing

• Pre-planning snacks

• 50 min biking

• Smaller bites

• No night snacking

• Eating every 3-4 hours

• Increasing fluid consumption

• Quitting soda

Speaking of soda, a fellow WW member shared at yesterday’s workshop that, according to her nutritionist, one can of diet soda a day will add 40 pounds to your waistline in one year. One can. I drank 10 cans a day. No wonder I’ve been gaining 30, 40 pounds every year.

Full disclosure: I have heard similar stories in the past and conveniently chosen to ignore them. It’s not rocket science that there is nothing inherently good about soda, diet or otherwise, other than, for me, at least, the taste. Actually, I’m to understand diet soda is even worse for you than regular. Again, no surprise there.

I have simply had a lifelong love affair with the beverage. For as long as I can remember. I have quit a number of times, but the drink, like a siren, calls me back.

I am hoping therapy will help me break free of this toxic relationship for good.

Once again, I have gone on a fizzy tangent.

If I can lock in the techniques I used last week that led me to lose 5 pounds, I should be in pretty good shape to be optimized for my surgery. According to my scale I am now only 1 pound over my entry weight, which is great news.

They don’t expect you to lose weight in the pre-op stages, but they don’t want you gaining, either. Gaining can delay the surgery.

The problem is I have an in person visit with the nutritionist Tuesday, and when she takes my weight it’s going to be way inflated from a whole day’s worth of water…and my clothes 😳. Will she have the wisdom to know this? I can’t really fast all day until after 3:15 PM, can I?

Maybe I will send her another message and just ask her about it.

Either way, I’m happy to have finally experienced some success on this journey, happy to be able to share it with you today. It’s about time I had some positive energy coming my way. Must be the bracelet.

Two summers ago, I took Aislyn to Lickee’s and Chewies for ice cream. There is a treasure chest filled with gold coins and small trinkets that children can take free of charge. This day, Aislyn selected a red jelly bracelet and gave it to me.

I wore the bracelet until I lost it one day later that fall. It had somehow wiggled itself off my wrist. Shortly after that I lost my job, and had nothing but bad luck following. She got me a new, green bracelet, and I lost that, too, in production.

Recently, I was cleaning Aislyn’s room and came across a shopping bag with extra clothes, returned from school at the end of her first grade year. I reached in and what do you think I found at the bottom of the bag?

The red bracelet! Immediately, I slipped it back on.

Since I’ve had it on, I swear to you, my luck has changed. I can’t tell you just how, right now, but there has been a big change in my life for the better, a work-related change that I expect to cut my stress at least in half.

And now this, finally turning a corner in my weight loss journey.

If you’re vaguely superstitious, like me, and kind of halfway believe in silly things like lucky bracelets, then you see the connection, here.

Sure, the logical side of me also sees the highly subjective nature of luck. There’s no way I can back it up. It’s probably all made up. Whatever. Shush.

My mother took Santa Claus away from me when I was seven. She thought I already knew. I did not. Let me have this.

Gimme Some Sugar

I slept in until just after six this morning. When I opened my eyes and looked out the window, it was daylight, and I was disoriented.

Part of the preparation process for surgery is to avoid anything over 10 grams of sugar, making my jelly a non-starter. So I just tried the sugar free. It isn’t bad.

Once you’ve limited your sugar for a while, it isn’t that hard to do. It seems to get easier the longer you do it.

I haven’t overeaten at all since my last check-in. I know it’s only been a little over a week, but to me, that still feels significant. I haven’t night-snacked.

Right now, today, I’m struggling with not being able to drink anything because I just ate. I am really thirsty. But I have a timer set, so I don’t have to think about it as much.

My health risk assessment on Monday went not as badly as you might think. While it’s true I gained weight and some body fat, I also gained lean muscle, went down slightly in waist circumference, good cholesterol is up, and bad cholesterol down.

Now to get my weight down.

Phoning It In

I made it to the gym this morning and did the grocery shopping. How’s that for talented?

Nah, but…seriously. I find that riding and scrolling makes the time on the bike go by much faster, but also causes me to be a lot less productive on the bike.

For example, I burned almost 20 fewer calories multitasking today than I do when I am solely focused on riding, the reason being, I think, because I forgot to change the difficulty levels through the workout as quickly as I usually do. I spent a disproportionate amount of time on Level 1, burning fewer calories than I could have on, say, Level 4.

You might think, “It’s 20 calories, chill the $&!@ out.” But, I don’t know. It might be 20 calories, like the machine says. Or the small numerical discrepancy might be an indicator of a bigger difference than just numbers.

I definitely wasn’t sweating as profusely as usual, either, so I was probably working at a lower intensity. I didn’t feel like I was working quite as hard as I normally do, because I was juggling my phone and trying to read.

So I think I can be pretty sure that I didn’t get as good of a workout. The same would be true, by the way, if I didn’t have music to listen to, and appropriately paced music is even better.

The question is, would I do it again?

I don’t know. It depends on whether I want a good workout, or just to get through the workout.

Turbo Yo-Yo

I was somewhat lax about my healthy habits yesterday. Not terrible. But I didn’t track the whole day, for instance. And gasp I ate a doughnut DAH-DAH-DAAAAAH!

But overall, I’ve been a lot better. I would think the desire to not get violently ill would be enough motivation for me not to overeat, once I’m in the post-op stages, but it is what it is.

Basically, the surgery drastically shrinks your stomach, so if you overeat, it can make you very uncomfortable or sick and can even be dangerous. So they want to make sure you’re not in a pattern of overeating prior to the surgery.

Also, you have to chew your food very thoroughly to the consistency of applesauce before swallowing it. You take small bites, chew slowly, eat slowly, and you don’t drink anything until 30 minutes after you eat. This is so you don’t flush out all your nutrients before your body can absorb them.

You are pretty much guaranteed rapid weight loss with this procedure because for the first time ever, you are not battling your hunger. But you have to sustain the healthy eating habits and lifestyle or you regain the weight. Like anything else, the surgery is a tool, a means to an end. It is not the end itself.

This is what I am in preparation for, the healthy and entirely new lifestyle change that must occur just prior to and after the procedure. Smaller amounts of food on my plate, larger amounts of protein. Low sugar, low fat.

For me, it will be worth not shooting up and down the scale like a turbo yo-yo. I have every size clothing bulging out of my closet from a 4 to a 24.

I am ready for this.

Un-gymmed

I heard back from the nutritionist. She is amenable to meeting again before November 27. That was what I was hoping.

I am sleepy today. I got all dressed for the gym, but it was early, so I lied down just until my timer went off at 4:30, I told myself.

But then I hit snooze again and again and before I knew it, it was 5:30, too late to go and be back in time for Desmond’s bus.

So now, here I sit, un-gymmed and still drowsy.

You’d think I would know better. Except knowing better isn’t the problem. I do know better. Knew exactly what I was doing.

I’m just legit tired.

The oxygen machine for my sleep apnea is fine, but it’s uncomfortable, as I imagine anything I’d have to wear on my face would be. Full disclosure: I also drool profusely on my pillow because of it. So I tolerate it for about four hours a night, but that’s about as much as I can handle.

Still, I should call Apria and see if there are any alternatives, if only to say I did it.

I don’t know if I’ll still have sleep apnea when I’m back down to a normal weight. I might, because I’ve allegedly snored my whole life. But I had a sleep study in my twenties, and no sleep disorder was diagnosed then.

I should get off to work, now. Lots to do. Not enough time to do it. You know how it is.