Existential Crisis

I’ve wasted a lot of time already this morning, stewing in my own juices over things I can’t control.

Sometimes I get paralyzed by problems I’m unable to solve. Rather than move on from them, I fixate, obsess.

One of the best therapists I ever had, my first, when I was 14, told me not to worry about the things I couldn’t control. I’ve tried to live by that, but it’s not always easy, especially for someone who worries as much as I do.

I had a not good night last night. I won’t get into what I ate or how many calories I consumed. Let’s just say it was too many.

I shouldn’t still be dwelling on last night, should I? It’s a new day. Another chance to get it right. Chalk it up as a lesson in what not to do and move on.

I wish I could see all of life’s situations that way.

Historically, other people have mostly seen me as having a negative outlook, despite my efforts to think and act positively. I am somewhat negative but try to fight my own negativity.

All of the work I put into trying to be positive makes me feel as though I am a positive person, even if, in reality, I am not. So that when someone remarks on my negativity, I feel an extra sense of discouragement because of the effort I’ve put towards being positive.

I think the negativity is learned behavior from my mother. And even my grandmother, who seemed to be an angry person. For good reason, but nevertheless.

My grandmother, my mother, and I: all of us were dealt a crappy hand. The things that happened to us were probably enough to shape our outlooks.

Unfortunately, a negative outlook doesn’t bode well for the future. Is unhelpful at best.

But I don’t think I’m negative all the time. Usually, I have high hopes for the future. And I do everything I can to shape the best possible outcome. It’s when I can’t see the future I had originally envisioned that I start feeling the negativity.

And I think that’s what’s happening, here.

Two years ago, a friend asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” And for the first time in my life, the answer was so clear, so simple, and so true, that it practically knocked the wind out of me. And then and there, I saw my future.

And here and now, I don’t see that future. Or, I’m afraid that future is not my reality. And I am devastated by even that possibility.

And there’s no one who can coddle me and tell me it’s all going to be okay. No one knows that.

I just have to rely on myself.

My son would say I’m having an existential crisis, and he would not be wrong.