Off the Rails

I’m completely off plan right now. Oh yeah, I’m in trouble.

If I can’t get this under control, and fast, it could make the surgery more difficult.

It’s really hard for me when unplanned temptations come into the house. Sweets are the worst. Anything I have to heat up is less of a problem.

I was doing so well. It helped that I was working full time. The more time away from my kitchen, the better.

I need to get it together. Next is my anniversary. Because both sets of parents are unwell now, we usually take the kids to Cracker Barrel. I can get a salad there, but the Coca Cola fudge cake is going to be hard to pass up.

I could take two bites and pass it down. The taste of dessert supposedly depreciates after the first two bites, anyway. Or we could not order it at all.

The salad is very good.

Then there is New Year’s. But I’ve got that covered. I bought bacon wrapped scallops, which aren’t that high in calories compared to other apps. And I drink hardly any alcohol these days. I rarely have it in me to stay up past 10:00 on New Year’s Eve.

I might be old.

Visualize, I tell myself. Think of how beautiful you’re going to be once the weight really starts coming off.

But I know this is wrong in so many ways. I sound just like my mother and my aunt and uncle when I have those thoughts. I realize it, and I know it’s unkind. Shouldn’t I feel beautiful regardless of my stupid weight?

But I don’t. My positive self-regard is extremely conditional. I don’t deserve to feel good about myself unless and until… it’s sick and sad.

At least I’m aware, now. I wasn’t always.

At least the holidays are almost over. I could not have chosen a worse time for this.

I just need to get back on track.